Healthy Boundaries
- Bjørg Plougmand
- Nov 1, 2018
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 2
Healthy boundaries are the path to well-being and a values-guided life
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for your emotional well-being and your ability to form nourishing relationships with others.
Your personal boundaries - whether physical, emotional, or mental - serve to protect who you are. They help you separate yourself, your needs, and what you think and feel from those of others. When you have clear boundaries, it becomes possible to live a life that matters to you, while maintaining respect for both yourself and others.
Why are boundaries important?
When it is difficult to set boundaries, it can lead to a range of difficult experiences such as anger, bitterness, stress, burnout, and low self-esteem.
Healthy boundaries can make all the difference between a balanced relationship and a draining - or even toxic - one. Taking care of your boundaries shapes your overall well-being and can be considered a form of self-care.
It is easy to feel victimized as a result of other people’s lack of respect or situational awareness. However, since we can rarely change the behaviour of others, focusing on them often only intensifies a sense of helplessness. When you instead take ownership and practice asserting your own needs, values, and expectations clearly, you regain agency over your own life.
We have all found ourselves in a situation that left us with a lingering feeling of discomfort and distress afterward. A situation where we, consciously or unconsciously, compromised our own principles to such a degree that it could be felt in both body and mind. Often, this happens because we feel pressured to prioritize the needs and desires of others at the expense of our own. While this can be a deliberate choice in rare situations, it is crucial that you learn to notice and acknowledge when a dynamic is balanced, and when you need to protect yourself with a healthy boundary.
It sounds simple, but it can be incredibly difficult to change in practice. This is especially true if you carry a learned pattern of behaviour where you have accommodated others for so long that you have lost touch with yourself.
Do you find it difficult to set boundaries?
Do you happen to recognize any of these signs?
Do you feel, from time to time, that you have lost touch with who you really are?
Do you find it hard to feel what it is you truly want or need?
Do you accommodate others to a degree where you act in conflict with your own values and beliefs?
Do you experience guilt or a bad conscience when you say no?
Do you feel like you are often being “run over” or taken advantage of by your surroundings?
Are you frequently left with an uncomfortable feeling in your body after not having spoken up in time?
If you can nod along to this, it is often because your boundaries are being challenged, or because it is hard for you to communicate them in a clear and constructive way. Your sense of self-esteem, self-respect, and identity are closely linked to your ability to set boundaries and take care of yourself. A lack of healthy boundaries affects your sense of self negatively, which can quickly trap you in a negative spiral.
Where does the people-pleasing pattern come from?
There is always a good reason why we react the way we do. A people-pleasing behaviour pattern often stems from childhood or past environments where fulfilling the needs of others was necessary to be accepted, keep the peace, or protect oneself.
At the time, you almost certainly experienced this strategy as useful because it provided immediate safety or acceptance. In the long run, however, it often carries a high price in the form of low self-esteem and an inner belief that other people’s needs are more important than your own. This can make it difficult to feel what you need at all.
Many hold back because they associate setting boundaries with something negative: a rejection, or a conflict. Like many others, you may end up with a sense of guilt and shame for having prioritized your own needs or preferences.
However, healthy boundary setting is not about rejection or being inflexible. It is about giving yourself the safety required to exist in the world in an authentic way.
It can feel unfair to shift focus to work on your own behavioural and emotional patterns when your experience is that the pain and distress you hold is caused by other people. But my experience shows that when you change your own response pattern, the dynamic in your relationships changes positively too. Taking action helps reduce helplessness and strengthens your sense of agency over your own life.
The Traffic Light Metaphor: Learning to notice your gut feeling
In therapy, I often use the metaphor of a traffic light to illustrate how our boundaries function:
Green zone: Everything is fine, you feel comfortable, and you can safely move forward.
Red zone: Stop. Your boundary has been crossed, and you experience discomfort or intense emotions such as anger or powerlessness.
Yellow zone: This is where the subtle signals appear. Your body and mind are letting you know that you are moving away from the green zone. Something is not right. These sensations are your biological warning signs.
Many of us only notice the boundary when we hit the red zone with a bang, because we ignore the warning signs of the yellow zone and might override our own boundaries again and again. An important part of working with healthy boundary setting is learning to identify and listen to your personal yellow zone. You need to be able to notice the signs in order to react to them in time.
How can psychotherapy with me help you?
When we work together, I always take your unique life history, your current situation, and your goals for therapy as our starting point. The techniques and tools we use will therefore be tailored exactly to you.
Generally, in a therapy process focused on boundaries, we will work on strengthening your sense of self, restoring contact with your own needs, values, and desires, in addition to practicing shifting your focus away from the expectations of others and back to yourself. You will learn to communicate your boundaries in a constructive way, and practice allowing yourself to accommodate your needs - without feeling guilty or needing to defend your choices. In doing so, you give yourself permission to decide what type of behaviour you will accept from others, and allow yourself to live a life that aligns with your values.
Other ways boundaries can be challenging
Relationships and boundaries are complex, and they challenge us individually in different ways. Aside from having difficulty saying no, boundary issues can also manifest in other ways.
Some may find it difficult to read other people’s boundaries to such an extent that it creates friction in relationships. This can take many forms and can even happen with the best of intentions - for example, when you try to solve or take responsibility for other people’s challenges based on your own incorrect assumptions. If you often experience feeling misunderstood, and there is a mismatch between your good intentions and the reaction you receive, it may be a sign that you find it difficult to read the needs and boundaries of others. You might have been bulldozing them rather than being helpful.
Others again have a habit of being rigid and uncompromising regarding their own needs, to such an extent that it becomes difficult to get close to other people, or can cost precious relationships. This behaviour might be an attempt to establish a boundary in order to look after yourself and create safety. When in reality the inflexibility has taken over to such a degree that it is no longer a matter of healthy boundary setting, but can be perceived as invalidating and controlling behaviour by others.
No matter where your challenges lie, if you want help being true to yourself and understanding your own or others’ boundaries, I am happy to help you find the best path forward for you.
Practical information
Location The sessions take place at Vodroffsvej 61 in Frederiksberg. I also offer online sessions and walk-and-talk therapy in the local area.
Language I offer therapy in both Danish and English.
Do you have questions?
It is important that you feel comfortable. You are always welcome to book a free and non-binding 25-minute online consultation to connect and for you to decide if I am the right therapist for you.
Would you like support with setting healthy boundaries?
If you would like support with boundaries, relationships or self-care, you are welcome to book a complimentary 25-minute online consultation.
References
Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1992), Boundaries, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan
Hereford, Z., Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them, Essential LifeSkills
Kairns, D. M. (1992), Protect yourself: set boundaries, Academic OneFile
Katherine, A. (2000), Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries, New York, Ny: Fireside
McKie, L. & Cunningham-Burley, S. (2005): Families in Societies: Boundaries and Relationships, Bristol, UK: The Policy Press Whitfield, C.L (1993), Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, Deerfield, FL: Health Communication, Inc.
